The Loss We Did Not See

Posted on Tue Jun 22nd, 2021 @ 1:20pm by

The Corps has a lesson they call Becoming A Man 101. Its something that has been boiled down to a science. My fellow recruits and I suffered together. We were given a common language that sought to bond us, ensconce us in groupthink and separate us from the outside. We weren’t allowed out in the civilian world without a partner to watch our backs, a “battle buddy.” We were at war even when we were at home. We were never alone. I had more fathers than I knew what to do with. I shaved my head like one of my drill instructor’s and copied from my senior Marines hard turns of phrase that relayed disgust of everything feminine, anything vulnerable. They called our girlfriends Susie Rottencrotch, and told us fictional bull studs back home were having their way with them — women were not to be trusted.

Nights, we’d bring our barracks room chairs out onto the catwalk and listen to our senior Marines tell drunken stories about war. “You’re going to die,” they’d say. “Worse, you’re all f-ckups. You’re going to get us killed.” The next day during training we’d run twice as hard up steep hills through California coastal scrub, scream our war cries until our throats bled, push one another to the point of bodily failure for the slightest nod of praise. Then, at night we’d drink beer until we puked, listen to more war stories, fall asleep and get back to it the next day.

It felt like a home, a place to rally together and stand for something — and against something. The Corps called it brotherhood.

Infantry taught me one thing how to die. I didn't buy into the hate that all Cardies were spoonheads and all Maquis, even the kids were terrorists waiting to happen. But its something the Corps puts into your head.

I wanted to kill because the military billed its dehumanizing philosophies as wisdom — something special we’d received. When we referred to Iraqi civilians as towelheads or children as terrorists in training, it made us feel like we understood the world for what it really was — like we’d developed a second sight that cut through the politically correct shades of gray that the civilian world is mired in. We knew the outside world would never be able to see that truth. When we raided homes in the middle of the night during our first deployment to Setlek and shoved our rifle stocks into the soft guts of men, doubling them over, we knew in our hearts they were not farmers caught in the crosshairs of a geopolitical struggle, but True Way operatives. When we watched Intelligence interrogators backhand the faces of restrained detainees over and over, we felt nothing but validation. “You’re the sheepdogs keeping the wolves at bay from the sheep civilians,” said our surrogate fathers. We knew what it took to be real men.

I kept my family and friends at arm’s distance and behaved like an animal. I fought civilians in bars. After earning myself a DUI, I woke up in a solitary confinement cell and stared at my reflection in a tiny shatterproof window. I didn’t recognize who I’d become. I felt like I was continuing on with how the Marines had taught me to be a person and a man, but for the first time it felt wrong.

But I eventually realized that’s all it was — all it had been — a role.

Thats when I lost Rebecca. She was the sister of a Starfleet Lieutenant I befriended oh Korobos. He was in New Weapons experimentation.

Becky...

I close my eyes and dream of her still. I recall buying that ring and coming to Korobos to propose to her. The colony had been attacked by unknown attackers. After that I re enlisted. The Corps is now the only family I have and it breaks my heart that it is.

Nut recently the Old Man of the Boat fixed a problem for me, I put in a letter of commendation for him.

I was also hard on the touchy feely counselor. I feel almost bad about that, but I don't want anybody getting inside my head. Not any more. How do I even let anybody get close when I know that they could be killed in a second.

I dunno, I am going to drink till I get sleepy, maybe start up a card game in the holodeck?

End Log